I’ve been procrastinating writing this post, because there is so much that I want to say. So many thoughts and feelings I need to express without it turning into a novel of sorts.
I sit here today thinking of myself a year ago and I honestly cannot believe how much change has occurred since then. If I stand back and look at my life through the lens of a camera, I sometimes wonder if it all really happened. I look at these pictures and I think to myself, “Is that really me? Did I really do those things?”. The answer is yes, yes I did do those things. The obstacles in my life seem to stay in my blind spot when I’m harshly criticising myself. I seem to fancy negative thinking and a pessimistic attitude when it comes to who I am. I have an abundance of passion and positive words when it comes to friends or family. Yet when I look in the mirror I see a hideous beast that’s too stuck in her ways to stop scaring her body and staining her pillows with tears.I tell myself, “You don’t deserve to feel sorry for yourself. You’re selfish and hideous. Your family tolerate you and it’s all your fault.”
The thing is though, it is all my fault. I tell myself that my family doesn’t understand the things I want and why they are so important to me. I tell myself they don’t understand me. What I’ve failed to realise until now is that I’ve never given them a chance to understand me. For five years I’ve hidden away in my bedroom, thrashing at the keyboard and pouring out my soul to strangers that came to understand me—people I grew close to and trusted. Yet when it came to my family, the people that have always been around me, I felt like a complete stranger. I felt like an outsider. I still feel this way. I feel like I have to try hard for my own family to like me. I’m bombarded with thoughts like, “Did what I said sound bitchy or awful? Do they like me? I bet they can’t wait to get away from me.”
Now I sit here, on the afternoon before I leave the country that holds my family and I wonder why the hell I didn’t see the errors in my thinking before now. When I became a teenager, as I got older and started coming into myself more, I felt stronger in my beliefs and my wants. I had a dream that was so large and so foreign to the people I grew up around that I figured they would just never understand. I assumed they would never understand me, too. I thought I tried explaining, and I would get so frustrated. Now I realise I never really tried hard enough, and I never gave them a chance to understand me and my dreams.
If I feel like my family only tolerates me and thinks I’m horrible, it is merely a fault of my own. In my heart, I know how much they all love me. Do they know how much I love them? No, probably not. Because I’ve hidden myself away and closed myself off from them for so long. I thought what I wanted made me the Black Sheep, but it was my thoughts that made me that way. It was me all along. I don’t have to be the Black Sheep. Sure, what I want makes me different from my siblings and my parents. Here’s the thing though, their wants make them different from me and even each other, too. We’ve all got our own quirks, desires and dreams. It doesn’t make us weird or excluded. It just makes us unique. Why didn’t I see this before?
If I could say something to my mother, my brother, my older sister and my younger sister—if I could say one last thing to them, I would simply say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not sharing more of myself with you, I’m sorry for shutting you out and acting like I didn’t care about anyone or anything but what I wanted. It isn’t true. I constantly frustrate myself with thinking you’ll never see that I’ve changed from the rebellious, slutty 15 year-old girl that just didn’t give a fuck. I never actually gave any of you the chance to see those changes. Instead I go into “emo” mode and tell myself everyone hates me and they think I’m horrible. Who does that help? Nobody. How does that prove change and responsibility in myself—how does it prove love towards my family? I’ve always made war where there is only peace and love.
Relationships are a two way street, and I’ve been travelling a one way road. How can I expect a close relationship when I’ve not actually made any effort myself? I am sorry it took me until now to realise these things. I am sorry I made you all wait so long for an apology and I am sorry it took me so damn long to actually start thinking like an adult. There are so many things I wish I could share with you - right here, right now. I am hoping over the course of time talking and visiting that I will eventually be able to share it all. More importantly, I want you to share your lives with me. I want you to feel like you can. Whitney, Clarke, Summer—I want to be your sister again. Mama, I want to be your daughter again. I’m stubborn and hard-headed and sometimes it takes me way too fucking long to see the light(like now, for instance), and I want you to know I’m trying. I don’t want to move away and not even try to correct my mistakes. I love you all so fucking much and I haven’t showed it.
I don’t really know how it’s going to work when I’m living overseas, because time differences are a bitch—but I’ll figure it out. Whenever I can, I’ll visit. You all will know my child. You all will know me, finally. Life is too chuffing short for me to walk away and give up. I’ve given up on my family for too long, and I’m done with that. No apology is large enough to express how I feel for doing that to you all. All you’ve ever done is try to understand, support and love me. I’m sorry for hiding away.
The only thing I can do know is stick to my word and make an effort. Even though I’ll be far away. It’s not impossible. If it was, I don’t think I’d have a husband right now. Long-distance is shitty, not impossible.
I’m going to miss you guys so much. There are so many huge changes taking place in my life right now and I am both excited and sad. I can’t wait to start my family in a place that’s somehow always felt like home to me. I also feel sad because regardless of how I’ve acted the last few years, you guys are my family. I love you to bits.
I won’t be gone forever though. I will always, always visit and I hope you will visit me too. England is beautiful and there are so many things I would love to show you all.
Mama, I love you.
Whitney, I love you. Clarke, I love you. Summer, I love you.
You have always been and always will be the most incredible family. Now it’s my turn to be an incredible sister and daughter. It’s time for me to take responsibility and to make some changes. It’s time for me to come out of hiding and show you all how much I love and appreciate you.
Thank you for always standing by my side and never giving up on me.
So I reached my next hundred followers, and I said I’d do a giveaway, so yep. I went through my merch. It’s small, but once I get more followers I’ll do a bigger one. Even if this gets one note I’ll give it away- I really don’t want this stuff.
WHAT YOU CAN WIN-
•Black Veil Brides bracelet
•I love bad guys Falling In Reverse bracelet
•Invader Zim shirt - size small, worn once
•All Time Low shirt cut at the neck - size small, worn once
•Falling In Reverse shirt - size small, never worn
•Farewell, My Love shirt - size small, never worn
•MUST BE FOLLOWING ME (it’s for my followers, after all…)
•No give away blogs
•Likes don’t count, but whatever floats your boat
•Reblog as much as you want
•I’ll randomly pick a winner
•You have to be comfortable giving me your address
•I can only ship to people in the US (sorry, I’m broke)
Giveaway ends on September 20th. If you win and don’t want something, just tell me. Good luck!